i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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