I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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