i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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