Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
