Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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