We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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