dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
