I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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