Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
