stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
