There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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