Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
