Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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