so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
