You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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