The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
