Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
