you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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