i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
