I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
