My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
