How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
