the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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