she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
