just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
