pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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