my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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