What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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