Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
