i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
