Where is the hickey?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
