areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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