I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
