Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
