The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
