i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
