Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
