you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
