god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
