Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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