I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
