My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
