im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
