I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
