She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
