I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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