you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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