My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
