Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
