He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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